Their powers of negotiation….kids vs us

His powers of levitation would make a fakir stare

As I stared at this teeny weeny little baby…in my head, these lines from ‘Macavity’ in the ‘Old Possum Book of Practical Cats’ by TS Eliot transformed into….

His powers of negotiation would make his mater stare

Of course I was deeply impressed that the musical Cats chose to pronounce fakir as faker when I saw it way back in 199…..thus lending itself beautifully to my version of the line!

Ah well, let me get to the point.

Life is all about negotiating the best deal for yourself, isn’t it? And who practices it better than children. Even as newborn babies, the human instinct for survival is so strong that a baby would probably push away his mother if her breasts were dry and the devil were holding the bottle of milk out!

My kids do that all the time! One minute I am the best mother in the world and kisses are being bestowed, the next minute I am the worst creature on earth for trying to discipline Aadyaa. The emotional trauma that creates is not entirely something she is unaware of. That is her negotiating tool to get what she wants. She knows it, I know it, but yet more time than not, I give in!

She negotiated to wear that lehenga...and how!

She negotiated to wear that lehenga…and how!

Udai too, will always pitch his demands at a level slightly more unreasonable than what he is willing to settle for, knowing well that the adult mind is habituated to bargaining to get things moving slightly in their favour. When I say ‘yes’ to a proposal without any questions, like going for an extra half hour of play on a hot afternoon, he vamooses within a split second, lest I change my mind!

He is the most straightforward kid, and even he negotiates!

He is the most straightforward kid, and even he negotiates!

It’s a great thing, this ability to negotiate. A good negotiator gets far in life. So I’m resolving to sharpen the negotiating abilities of my kids by not giving in to anything without a little tussle, a teeny weeny back and forth, a mini turf war…..makes life so much fun!

 

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Let the movies be! Curtailing artistic freedom is not the answer to the world’s ills

Does watching violent movies inspire violence in the real world?

Most of us seem to think that crazy people will find something or the other to inspire them to acts of violence. I chose that option over ‘yes’ and ‘no’ but I don’t really think it is as simple as that.

There is a complex web of cause and effect in this world of ours, so much so that the dog is eating its own tail at times and at others, several dogs are eating several tails, but no one knows which is whose tail! Sounds complicated? Forget it. Let me come to the point.

Films do contain violence. In some cases, it reflects the violence in the real world. At other times, violence is used as a tool to drive home a point important to the film’s plot. It is hard to make a judgement on how much violence is appropriate.

In India, where I live, the depiction of violence in cinema has been an issue of much debate and crime and violence in general are a growing concern. Yet, some recent Indian films have opted to depict violence for specific purposes. For instance, the violence and the matter-of-fact tone in which it was used in the 2-part film ‘Gangs of Wasseypur’ by Anurag Kashyap effectively conveyed to the viewer the geographical, social and historical context in which the film was set. This was important because Kashyap envisaged the consumer of the film to be largely urban, whereas the story was set in a specific period of history in a lesser known mofussil town.

As an urban audience, I found the violence justified and appealing in the context of this film, but many I know disagreed profoundly with the constant violence depicted. In a nation of largely young people, they argued, where movies captured the imagination of the youth to the extent that they lead double lives of reality and fantasy via films, films can be used to justify or even enhance the status of violence! This is like saying porn makes people sex hungry, or showing good food in films makes people eat more and become obese, and so on and so forth.

Films have emerged as a rich source of entertainment as well as information in the modern world. In our present culture, we turn to the movies not just to pass our time, but also to understand a situation better or to simply gain a unique insight. We appreciate the quirkiness of certain films and the thoroughness of others. Most of the time, we understand that what we are seeing is an artistic work to be viewed as just that. But not always, argue those who believe in the idea that controlling content is the way forward, and I agree that a nature bunch of consumers would be an ideal situation. Too ideal, perhaps?

Like any other medium of art, cinema will elicit a variety of reactions and indeed, that is the very purpose of its creation. For that matter, many other forms of art- photographs, paintings, drama, dance, music- can express violence too. Would we consider they too incite violent thoughts or behavior? Answering this in the affirmative would only imply a massive curtailment of artistic freedom, with disastrous consequences. Instead, I would say, bring on the variety. Let’s consume more of all types of artistic expression, talk, debate, enjoy and let people self select the wheat from the chaff!

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The larger question: What are our strategies for survival as a society- vilification or empathy, us or ‘them’, paranoia or rationality?

I read this morning with mixed feelings about the arrest of an illiterate teenager from Bihar who is the co-accused in the latest shocking—no, deeply saddening—rape of a five year old in East Delhi’s Gandhinagar area. Of course I am happy that the perpetrators are being brought to book. But just for a moment and because I have been intensely interacting with migrant workers in low-income communities, I thought this through from Pradeep’s point of view. 

Getting into the perp’s mind, for a moment

Illiterate, with no opportunities in his village, Pradeep moves from city to city finding work on construction sites. He lives away from the social fabric he has grown up in. He has to make new friends wherever he goes. Violence, as Nilanjana Roy’s editorial in The Hindu yesterday points out so well, is an inevitable and integral part of his life. Several times has he had to fight for survival against cheats, sexual predators, thieves, rivals at work. His self-esteem is often eroded and no normal family life exists to restore the balance. And then, of course, there is his daily search for livelihood. A daily struggle for basic needs- water, toilets, food. Shelter, a rented room shared with any others, is just a place to sleep, offering no solace. Entertainment is film music, songs from back home traded through memory cards and heard on the phone, B grade flicks watched on the phone. Images of sex flood his mind. He has little or no sexual opportunities. He has little or no economic opportunities, no real skills, no value, no real self-worth. Soon his family back home will find him a wife. More responsibility, still very little income. He has no future. He just has to get on with life. And yet, he aspires to live well. In his imagination, like the heroes of the movies he watches, he finds wealth, love, sex, power and popularity. In reality, he is less than a Nobody. Starved even of dreaming with a semblance of hope, in a moment of depravity, he finds the most vulnerable target and an act of thoughtless unpardonable violence follows. 

The gravest crime

I am not advocating for Pradeep. I am only saying that the problem is of a magnitude so large that we are unable to comprehend it. We are breeding millions of Pradeep’s in our country and as a nation, our crime against them of offering them promises that we cannot deliver is the gravest one yet.

Let me explain. In an evangelist mode, we have enacted the Right to Education. Our public, private and non-profit institutions have drilled the importance of education into our citizens. Yet, we are unable to provide the education we advocate is necessary for every child. In my fieldwork among migrant families in Gurgaon, I repeatedly see parents save and scrounge to send their children to schools that often are not even registered institutions! Further, we are unable to provide meaningful and dignified employment opportunities for those who emerge from or fall out of this less-then-efficient education system.

 Many young people are resorting to migration as a means of economic survival, and this has been well established by leading economists like Kundu. The inability of agriculture to support rural families, the lack of non-agricultural employment in villages and the lure of economic growth that is concentrated in urban centers all contribute to the massive internal migration India is experience.

 Need to understand the migrant experience

A part of my mixed reaction to today’s news was that, until now, voices in the media were not vilifying the other, that favourite scapegoat, the migrant. Perhaps it is a small indication that the phenomenon of migration has become an accepted and inescapable reality. This is a migration necessary to sustain the economy, but it is also a migration that renders a large section of our population without rights and without identity. Migrants find little recognition in public policy except as the ‘other’.

The intense alienation and confusion that are characteristic of the migrant experience, especially among youth, is no small factor in understanding the crime statistics in our cities. The intangible is easy to ignore, but only in understanding these psychosocial phenomenon, in listening and analyzing the thousands of stories that migrants can tell, can we hope to ease their transition and lift them from the sheer hopelessness they feel and that triggers depraved and abnormal behavior in these young men (and women). 

Taking a call: Barbarism vs humanity

What must be going through Pradeep’s mind as he awaits his transfer to Delhi and a confrontation with his partner-in-crime Manoj? Does he feel shame, revulsion, remorse? Does he see his entire life flash before his eyes? Does he imagine the grief of his mother? Does he understand how the nation is reacting to what he has done? Does he hear people baying for his blood?

I just finished reading another book of Alex Rutherford’s series on the Mughal emperors, who meted out the most barbaric punishments to traitors in order to deter any others who might contemplate treachery. Perhaps their times demanded such barbarism and violence. It pains me to hear those who denounce the Islamic invaders as barbaric and hold up the superiority of the Hindu civilization as examples of ‘Ram Rajya’ propose the exact same measures to punish rapists and sex offenders. Clearly, these leaders and organizations do not think we have evolved or need to evolve.

Many other ways to address the issue of punishment have been discussed infinitely in the press and blogosphere since December 2012 and there is sufficient evidence worldwide that disproves the theory that the death sentence, castration and other barbaric means to deal with convicts deter future offenders. However, just as there has been little finger pointing to the fact that the miscreants are migrants, there is also very insufficient debate on the preventive measures we need to take to prevent future crimes—how migrants are to be offered opportunities to assimilate with the society they choose to live in; how communities are to find mechanisms to educate their children about sexual predators and how they are to deal with those who exhibit predatory behavior, for instance. If we were to work to reduce the huge amounts of stress and insecurity in our society rather than do all we can to fuel these feelings, wouldn’t we all be better off?

The larger question: My survival or ours?

I saw my daughter Aadyaa off as she got on the school bus this morning. She is five. Innocent, with a huge zest for life and unlimited energy, she waved her goodbyes with a twinkle in her eyes. Inadvertently, I shuddered at the thought of something terrible happening to her that would destroy her innocence forever. Even something as small as a touch or glance could do that damage and that moment will come, sooner or later, I know. But let me not make it worse by feeding her with suspicion and paranoia. Let me believe that most people are good. I intend to take her and my son Udai on my interactions with migrants later this month, to see for themselves how other people live and work, deal with problems in their lives, how they are as normal as we are in what they wish for, in how they struggle to reconcile their dreams with their realities (except that the difference between the two is achievable for us and impossible for them). I hope that, as they grow, they will discover that there are beasts among us, aberrant personalities that have tipped over and fallen out of line. I hope they understand that they need our help and our empathy more than they need our hatred. How do they learn this even as they learn to protect themselves and fight for survival? That’s the larger question that we are dealing with, isn’t it?

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The unfailing fun of peek-a-boo!

This was a bit of the Rock Garden experience in Chandigarh that I was saving for a separate post. As usual, there was me walking around with my camera, clicking anything and everything that caught my fancy. Udai and Aadyaa decide to explore a dark cave in front of us. I pick up my camera to idly look through the viewfinder, when I see an eye slyly stare out at me from behind a pillar. Click. Then a face appears. Click. Then two faces dart out. Click. Then another naughty eye. Click. And so on….

We play the game of peek-a-boo, my camera and the kids, I and the kids. Us. All.

We have so much fun.

It is over in an instant and we are all three (ahem, four including the camera) laughing, hugging, feeling refreshingly insane!Image

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Too much noise, too many voices: How the Internet is changing the way we perceive current events

Yesterday I was musing aloud about perceptions about the past. History as we know is written by the powerful and subaltern sources can reveal very different sides to historical events and people. When humans in the future read about the events we are living through today, they will have access to (thanks to the Internet) several more perspectives on the same event than what we have today of history recorded in more traditional formats.

Today, as I read the hundreds of stories in reaction to the Boston marathon bomb blast, I cannot stop marvelling at the creativity of the human mind, the sped with which news unfolds and metamorphoses, the endless hunger to know more….

The day of the bomb blasts, we were reading opinions on how the Islamist terror organisations were challenging the US on their turf again, the implications of this on US foreign policy, the pressure cooker bomb’s link with the subcontinent and what that meant for us in India and what have you. Today we are being educated (in efficient Q&A form as well!) about the complex politics of the Caucasian region and Chechnia in particular, where Dzokhar originates from. Of course, he is also the nice guy who ‘seemed normal’.

What would a researcher in the 22nd century make of all this information, or would the intermediate commentary be insignificant in the face of the final outcome- suspect being caught, killed, jailed, etc… I don’t know, it’s hard to say and an intriguing thought. (This is what you think about post midnight when you can’t fall asleep!)

On the flip side, I am disturbed by the extent to which writers and journalists and hackers would go to grab attention….

Example: One guy whose handle was previously @footytube or something created a fake handle for the bombing suspect Dzokhar, having the same number of followers and the same last tweet as the original to mislead people into following him! What would he gain from this and did he not worry about attracting the wrong kind of attention from police and government authorities desperate to catch the criminal at large?

Why wonder about future researchers? The speed of news production and consumption and the plethora of opinions available has changed the way we perceive current affairs. As an avid blogger, I am all for freedom of expression but how do we discern among various sources of information? I am also acutely aware of how power influences the production of news as well. Everyday, I see how peripheral the coverage of the sad and terrible stories of death and injustice coming out of places like Iraq, Syria, Egypt, Mali and how obsessive the coverage of incidents in the West that are trivial in comparison (if human impact is used as a measure).

As consumers, we pick news guided by emotion. And nostalgia, paranoia and fear make for great hooks, it seems! And in the end, it’s probably just about being entertained……

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Of Form, Texture, Scale: Exploring Nekchand’s Rock Garden, Chandigarh

I last visited the Rock Garden in Chandigarh in December 1991 or thereabouts. I was born in the city and I was revisiting Chandigarh after my early years there for the very first time. I vaguely remember wandering around the sculptures and there are a few really nice pictures of Daddy, Mummy and me posing in front of the exhibits.

I was, therefore, quite excited to revisit the Rock Garden with my children and see how they react. Nekchand is a legend in the city and beyond. Even as the city was being planned and built by an over-enthusiastic newly-Independent nation along the lines suggested by the world famous architect Le Corbusier, Nekchand was piecing together works of art from bits and pieces he collected from the ruins of the villages that were relocated to create the city. Nekchand was of humble origins and a government servant. He worked secretly at night to create this garden and when it was discovered, illegally built on government land, it took a miracle and considerable civil society action to conserve this wonderland and create it into a public park. It is now a valuable resource for the city, attracting hundred of tourists every day.

Saturday 30th March, the day we visited, was no different and we joined the teeming crowds that ambled through its serpentine pathways, admired its fountains and streams, and were intrigued by the strange shapes and forms crafted from waste material. The park is now a model for environmental conservation, recycling all the water on its premises and even running the waterfalls from recycles water alone.

A new area has been added now and here, the scale changed dramatically. Everything is huge, larger than life. As an architect, I found the effect interesting in some parts but quite ineffective in others. Scale is not always a good thing! Another thing that irked me was the diesel-operated toy train in the park, going against its very philosophy of closeness with nature.

Udai and Aadyaa both enjoyed the Rock Garden, climbing all over the place, touching things. The water bodies attract many colourful insects and Udai was most fascinated with the red and blue dragonflies, and complained repeatedly about the fact that I was not carrying my zoom lens! Aadyaa loves climbing. This place was a dream come true for her and we had to keep stopping her from trying to scale the walls….All in all, a highly recommended outing for families. I only wish they had a better way of presenting the garden’s history and significance, a more interactive exhibit that could involve kids could drive home an important message about the importance of re-use and creativity.

My backpack carrier and my adventure lover were both enamored of the Rock Garden

My backpack carrier and my adventure lover were both enamored of the Rock Garden

Ravone-like walkways- The expansion and contraction in scale makes the Rock Garden a delight to wonder through!

Ravone-like walkways- The expansion and contraction in scale makes the Rock Garden a delight to wonder through!

Textures- From old ceramic electrical hardware

Textures- From old ceramic electrical hardware

DSC_6805

More texture

More texture

Incongruity is the name of the game...

Incongruity is the name of the game…

three of my favourtie people made to pose in an interesting arrangement, offsetting the texture behind

Three of my favorite people made to pose in an interesting arrangement, offsetting the texture behind

Close-up of the happy poser!

Close-up of the happy poser!

The two sisters rocked the trip, the whacky Chaturvedi humor keeping spirits high....yay for Meeta didi and Nupur!

The two sisters rocked the trip, the whacky Chaturvedi humor keeping spirits high….yay for Meeta didi and Nupur!

Soul of the party...

Soul of the party…

The older waterfall...Even on a warm day, this space felt refreshing and cool...all my efforts went to stop my little one from stepping into the water and slipping!

The older waterfall…Even on a warm day, this space felt refreshing and cool…all my efforts went to stop my little one from stepping into the water and slipping!

The new, larger waterfall is over four floors high and rather spectacular!

The new, larger waterfall is over four floors high and rather spectacular!

More texture in the new phase...pretty dramatic ravine-like effect

More texture in the new phase…pretty dramatic ravine-like effect

The new phase ends up in this large, out-of-scale, rather terribly designed space...totally takes the oomph out of the experience...and do not miss the bizarre diesel-powered toy train! Ugh! My kids of course insisted on riding, you see their silhouettes in there...

The new phase ends up in this large, out-of-scale, rather terribly designed space…totally takes the oomph out of the experience…and do not miss the bizarre diesel-powered toy train! Ugh! My kids of course insisted on riding, you see their silhouettes in there…

As you keave the Rock Garden, the familiar Nekchand-style sculptures say goodbye...check this one out enjoying his beer!

As you leave the Rock Garden, the familiar Nekchand-style sculptures say goodbye…check this one out enjoying his beer! Appropriate indeed, as the rest of this day was dedicated to celebrating my birthday…party time!

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How We Teach Our Sons To Rape

Reblogged from The Belle Jar:

Click to visit the original post

I have a son.

He is two years old.

He was born into a universe where time happens to be linear, which means that he is growing older with every passing minute. In a little over ten years' time, he will be a teenager.

When my son is a teenager, he will almost certainly go to parties. He will drink. He might experiment with drugs.

Read more… 1,448 more words

How insiduous forms of misogyny could make the sweetest, nicest boys into rapists...This post has incited a lot of criticism from anti-feminists, but for me it isn;t about feminism at all. It's about facing up to the reality around us....
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